So, I plan to check in with my 101 in 1001 progress once a week – every Sunday, as long as I have access to a computer and the internet.
Overall: … the less said about my mood and my productivity this week, the better. So, I didn’t really get a chance to look at and concentrate on any specific goals until today.
Activities: Last weekend was a whirlwind of activity – my friends and I threw a “Mexican Rock Band” party on Saturday, with potluck Mexican food, lots of drinks, and a TV set up with our XBox and Rock Band in Bren & Andy’s garage. A ton of people showed up, and it was awesome! Sunday, Leigh, Leah, and I went down to Canterbury Park for Warped Tour. Also awesome, if also very warm and very exhausting. Wednesday brought another concert – the Cobra Starship show, part of their tiny club tour to promote their new album, Hot Mess. Friday and Saturday – even more concerts (are you sensing a theme to my life?), this time at the Irish Fair. Friday night, we saw the Young Dubliners and the Dropkick Murphys (and listened to the Tim Malloys); Saturday night, we only managed to listen to Salsa Celtica before the tornado sirens started blaring and the police kicked us out of Harriet Island. Ah, well.
101 Progress:
29.Settle my library account; visit the library at least twice a month for a year.
This is my library – not the one that’s closest to me, but I ended up here after we moved to St. Paul, and I love the building and the neighborhood enough that I drive a couple of extra miles to go there.
I settled my overdue fines today, and checked out five new books! I had to limit myself to five; I forgot the euphoria the library gives me, what with all those books available, just free for the taking! I just have to remember to take them back so that I don’t have to pay $40 again. ::looks guilty::
23.Read 10 nonfiction books.
25.Read a book about the history/culture of a non-European country.
Three of my five acquisitions at the library. I started reading Ghost Train to the Eastern Star this afternoon, which will sorta-half fill the second goal, but the other two are about China and Tibet, which will definitely qualify!
36.See at least 10 different movies in the theater every year.
Just to start with, I’m going to count the different movies I’ve seen so far in 2009: 5 (Coraline, The Dark Knight, Watchmen, Star Trek, X-Men Origins: Wolverine). I’m allowing myself to count movies that are unique to these three years – i.e., I can count The Dark Knight for this year, because I wasn’t counting last year, but if, for example, we go to the charity Serenity screening this year and next, I can only count it once. My list, my rules. :)
55.Deposit all pennies from my wallet into the TARDIS bank at least once a week; do not touch or cash in until the end of this challenge.
Week one accomplished!
64.Keep living area decluttered/dusted/swept once a month for a year.
We had a houseguest this weekend, so we cleaned the living area. It’s not perfect, but it’s something, so I count that as month one!
83.Maintain this blog at least once a week for at least six months.
Week one will be accomplished when I hit post! :)
So, all in all, not a bad start. Here’s hoping for some better motivation in the next week!
August 9th, 2009 in
101 in 1001 |
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It’s August. The summer – such as it is this year – is almost over. My year thus far has been a really hard one, emotionally speaking. I’ve had to acknowledge a lot of uncomfortable things about myself, and I’ve had to take some really scary (to me) steps to correct those things. My 33rd birthday is coming up, and I want the years ahead to be filled with a lot more positive energy than 32 has been.
Recently, I bought this mantra cuff – it reads “Courage. Passion. Hard Work.” I bought it because it feels like a good reminder of what I need to carry me through the next little while, as I work to rebuild my emotional strength and my outlook on life. Sometimes, everyone needs a talisman to hold onto, something physical that reminds you what’s really important!
I tried this project a couple of years ago, but fell off pretty quickly. The thing is, though, that when I went back recently and looked at the list I made in 2007, I actually accomplished quite a few of those things! Once I wrote them down, they stayed in my head. And now, looking at all the things I’ve actually done over the last two years makes me feel like I haven’t been giving myself enough credit.
So, now I feel like I’m at another crossroads in my life. I’ve been purging a lot of negative emotions so far this year; it hasn’t been fun, but it’s been necessary. I feel like I’m just about ready to start filling back up with positive energy, and I think a list would go a long way to focus that energy in the right direction. Thus, another 101 list!
The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).
Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past – frequently simple goals such as New Year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.
Some common goal setting tips:
1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.
2. Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.
3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.
4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.
5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.
Start date: August 1st, 2009
End date: April 28th, 2012
Key:
Bold – in progress
Strikethrough – completed, with date
Health and Wellness:
1.Weigh under 150 lbs.
2.Maintain weight for at least six months.
3.Take a yoga class.
4.Get a complete physical once a year.
5.Get a mammogram.
6.Go to the dentist at least once a year.
7.Go to the gym at least twice a week for a year (excepting vacation weeks).
8.Eat at least one serving of fruit per day for one month.
9.Try 5 vegetables I haven’t tried in years.
10.Take folic acid and vitamin D supplements once a day for two months.
11.Drink no caffeine after noon for one month.
12.Walk at least 15 new trails from the 60 Hikes in 60 Miles book.
13.Take a dance class.
14.Stretch once a day for a month.
15.Learn to meditate.
16.Try acupuncture for my allergies.
Writing and Reading:
17.Finish the first draft of a novel.
18.Submit a novel to agents.
19.Write 5 out of 7 days a week for at least six months.
20.Finish the LJ anniversary ficlets I promised to write.
21.Read 10 “classic” novels I’ve never read.
22.Read 3 Shakespeare plays I’ve never read.
23.Read 10 nonfiction books. (0/10) (book in progress)
24.Read at least 10 books currently on my TBR shelf. (0/10) (book in progress)
25.Read a book about the history/culture of a non-European country.
26.Create a collage for one of my stories.
27.Write a short story based on a piece of art.
28.Complete The Artist’s Way.
29.Settle my library account; visit the library at least twice a month for a year. (completed 8/9/09)
30.Write a poem.
31.Memorize a poem.
Hobbies and Entertainment:
32.Crochet or knit an entire project.
33.Learn how to sew – make one whole garment by myself.
34.Participate in a RPG campaign.
35.Watch 10 “classic” movies I’ve never seen.
36.See at least 10 different movies in the theater every year. (2009: 5/10)
37.Watch at least one episode/movie/story arc of every Doctor (Who) from 1-8.
38.Watch Carnivale.
39.Learn at least a few important phrases in another language.
40.Read a tarot card spread once a week for at least six months.
41.Complete an entire tour on Rock Band playing guitar on Hard.
42.Learn to scrapbook or make artist trading cards.
43.Make a piece of jewelry.
44.Paint a picture.
45.Purchase at least one album from my music collection per month for a year.
46.Make an mp3 mix of my favorite songs for each season – thus, 4x a year.
47.Listen to 10 “classic” albums that I’ve never heard before.
48.Go geocaching.
Finances and Organization:
49.Pay off US Bank credit card.
50.Maintain a zero balance on the credit card for at least six months.
51.Keep at least the equivalent of one paycheck in my savings account for at least six months.
52.Save $5 for every task on this list I complete. (1/100)
53.Go one entire month without buying food/snacks at work.
54.Start a high yield savings account to save for buying a house.
55.Deposit all pennies from my wallet into the TARDIS bank at least once a week; do not touch or cash in until the end of this challenge. (1/143)
56.Buy a quality mattress.
57.Buy a dresser to replace the broken one.
58.Research and buy a quality digital camera.
59.Buy a pair of quality running shoes.
60.Buy and hang curtains for my bedroom.
61.Buy one entire season’s worth of work clothes from thrift or consignment shops.
62.Keep bills/mail organized on a daily basis for at least three months.
63.Organize keepsake boxes and find permanent homes for everything.
64.Keep living area decluttered/dusted/swept once a month for a year. (1/12)
65.Keep bedroom decluttered/dusted/vacuumed once a month for a year.
66.Buy a second 1TB external drive – back up all files from the first.
Travel and Tourism:
67.Spend a weekend retreat somewhere on Lake Superior.
68.Visit the Japanese Gardens at Como Park.
69.Visit the Minneapolis Institute of the Arts.
70.Visit the Walker Art Center on one of the free admission days.
71.Visit Dad at least 9 times during the course of this challenge.
72.Take a road trip that has nothing to do with concerts or fandom.
73.Take a trip to the mountains.
74.Visit the Minnesota Zen Center.
75.Travel to Canada.
76.Go dancing at Too Much Love at First Ave.
77.Go to a midnight movie at the Uptown.
78.See 5 straight (non-musical) plays.
79.Go to 10 concerts by local artists.
80.Go to Marscon.
The Internet:
81.Consolidate all email into Gmail for personal, domain for semi-professional.
82.Answer and/or file all email within at least 24 hours for at least two months.
83.Maintain this blog at least once a week for at least six months. (1/24)
84.Spend one full week offline, except for email once a day and blogging obligations on this list.
85.Go one full week without going online for personal reasons at work.
86.Upload all ‘keeper’ photos currently on my hard drive to Flickr and/or Facebook.
87.Blog about a different music artist once a week for six months.
88.Keep an online photo journal for my progress on this list; update it at least twice a month.
89.Leave a comment on every blog I read in my Google Reader.
90.Do not turn on the computer before work for at least two weeks.
Miscellaneous Goals:
91.Get a tattoo.
92.Watch the sun rise over water.
93.Send 10 people a physical card for no (typical greeting card) reason.
94.Tip a really good waiter/waitress 100% of my check at least three times.
95.Bake someone (not me) a birthday cake from scratch.
96.Participate in Blogathon again; raise at least $1,000.
97.Volunteer for a charity/organization that means something to me.
98.Buy a fireproof security box and store all important documents.
99.Organize a group of friends to adopt a family at Christmas.
100.Take a one-day sabbatical.
101.Write another 101 list at the end of this period.
I’ll be 35 years old at the end of this period. May I be able to look back on the first half of this decade and know that I’ve lived it with courage, passion, and hard work. With a little of all three, my life could be extraordinary!
August 1st, 2009 in
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101 in 1001 |
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I went to my first concert back in August of 1990 – the New Kids on the Block Magic Summer Tour. I was 13, and it was the night before my high school freshman orientation. My friend Lisa and I sat in one of the highest rows of Busch Stadium; the band was nothing more than specks of light down below, but we didn’t care. I wasn’t in my bedroom, singing into a hairbrush to the pinups that papered my walls. I wasn’t in my living room, watching a video taped copy of a concert with my best friend. I was one of 50,000 girls who all did the same things I did, who felt the same things I felt. For that one night, we could look around the stadium and share all that adolescent energy we had pent up. It was magical. I loved every minute of it.
I went to a few more concerts during high school, but not as many as I wanted. We lived out in the suburbs, and I didn’t drive until my senior year. I also didn’t work a part-time job for most of the time, so I had very little money to spare on expensive tickets! At some point, I made myself a silent promise. When I was grown up, when I had my own paychecks to spend as I saw fit, I would go to more concerts. I’d have friends who loved concerts as much as I did, and we’d go to as many concerts as we wanted. At the time, the friends part seemed farther out of reach than the concerts – my self-esteem problems, big enough to warrant an entire blog to deal with them. But, I had a fantasy of a group of faceless friends and I dancing and singing at concerts every week. It usually went along with fantasies of owning a bookstore or being a famous romance novelist or living on the beach … things that were out of reach, things that, perhaps, a mythical adult Jaime could accomplish someday. A mythical adult Jaime who had somehow conquered all of the fears that kept adolescent Jaime hiding in her father’s basement with only a boombox and a computer to keep her company.
Fast forward nearly two decades. Three friends and I took this past Friday off of work and drove to Chicago to see Fall Out Boy play a hometown show. Crazy stuff, especially when you consider the fact that FOB is ending their current tour here in St. Paul next weekend, but there’s really nothing like a concert road trip to get my blood pumping. I love the times when I can live and breathe live music, when there’s nothing else to think about but how awesome that night’s show is going to be, when I’m surrounded by people who are chattering about set lists and internet reports from the last show and whether or not the people standing across the parking lot are also “from the internet.” (The internet is almost a physical place sometimes. It’s a collection of many different places, actually, many different homes for many different people. But, being “from the internet” means something, means you have a culture and a language and a set of rules all your own. That’s probably a different post, though.)
Fall Out Boy certainly aren’t a critically beloved band. Most thirty-something people would probably scoff at the idea of being devoted enough to them to drive thirteen hours round-trip to see them in concert, and then do it all over again a week later. They’re thought to be a band for teenagers – they’re the poster boys for the mythical “emo kids”, the ones who wear their hair in their faces and dress in tight jeans and brightly-colored clothing and keep Hot Topic in business. God knows, the building was full of those kids last night! But, that’s the crowd I love best. They’re an entire generation removed from me, but by god, are they
excited to be there! They’re not afraid to sing and dance, to throw their hands in the air and make stupid gestures, to pump their fists in rhythm with the music and scream their lungs out when it’s all over. People my age have lost that, for the most part. There are exceptions, sure, but most thirty-something concert crowds only get that excited when they’re drunk, and that’s an entirely different experience. No, given the choice, I’ll go to the shows with the kids, because I’m not yet done screaming and dancing and throwing fangs up for Cobra Starship. (
Who came here to make you dance tonight.) I’m not yet done feeling a thrill when the lights go down and the bass drum kicks in. I’m not yet done jumping up and down when a band member tells me to, with belonging to a mass of humanity all doing the same thing.
I hope I never will be. Because this? This is what I dreamed of doing when I was dancing along to the radio in my father’s basement. I get to experience that energy as much as I want, because there’s always another band out there that makes people happy, and that makes me happy. In a small way, I made one of my childhood fantasies come true. Or, maybe not such a small way. I look at everything that being a music fan has brought me – so many friends, and so many memories that will last a lifetime – and I see the foundation for the person I am. There’s nothing small about that.
photo credit: unknown. If you recognize it as yours, let me know and I’ll credit properly!
I got my nose pierced last summer. It was a fairly spontaneous decision – a reward for finishing the longest story I’d written in five years – but at the same time, it felt like a step towards becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. I know exactly how I want to look. I’ve always wanted to be one of those cool, edgy people; I’m not beautiful, not elegant, but I can be cute and attractive when I want to be. I’ve always loved the people who decorate themselves with piercings and tattoos and colorful hair and makeup.
The thing is, I’ve had problems with that piercing ever since I got it. I have allergies, horrible nasal allergies that cause me to take drugs year round, and clutch tissues in my hand for a good three-quarters of the year. A drippy, snotty nose isn’t really conducive to healing a piercing. I battled my way through infections and healing, though – I wasn’t going to quit! I was tired of being a quitter! I was going to take good care of this piercing, and it would be a symbol of how I’d changed my life. How I was going to finally be the person I wanted to be.
The most generic self-help advice a person usually gets is “be yourself.” It’s good advice. But, not many people address what you do when you don’t really like the person you seem to be. I’ve been working on the hard truths lately, seeing the person I am so that I can learn how to deal with her properly. I’m a control freak. I get agitated when my routine is broken. I hate to be wrong, and I sometimes lash out and get mean and petty when someone points out my mistakes. That’s not who I want to be. The Jaime who lives in my head isn’t a type A personality; she’s an artist who goes with the flow, does thing spontaneously, has mad adventures and lets the wind take her where it will. But, in reality, I’m probably never going to be that footloose and fancy-free person. My brain is wired differently. I’d like to accept that – I’d like to be able to take a deep breath and say “okay, I like to be in control, and that’s okay.” But I haven’t gotten there yet.
I’m beginning to hate the Jaime that lives in my head, because she does everything better than me. She writes every day. She’s learned yoga, and her back and shoulders no longer ache all the time. She can knit, or maybe crochet, or possibly paint – she prefers productive hobbies over trolling the internet for lolcats and message board reactions to American Idol. She never gained the weight back, she reads classic books that I always lie and say that I’ve read, she does her dishes more than once a week. She doesn’t care whether other people like her or not, because she likes herself just fine. She’s a portrait of everything I’ve ever thought about doing, everything that’s ever made me say “wow, if I could just do that, I’d be a lot happier.”
But, is that Jaime me? If I was her, would I still be me? The Jaime that I am doesn’t currently have the energy to go to a yoga classes. The Jaime that I am likes socializing on Twitter, books that involve vampires and sex and the Regency period, and rooting for Adam Lambert to win AI. The Jaime that I am gets frustrated when she tries to learn how to knit and crochet, because she can’t see the stitches properly and ends up crying over the jumbled mess she creates. This Jaime probably should write more often than she does, and could stand to clean up around the house a little more. She’s got a crooked nose, eats too much pasta, and is probably going to go deaf someday from listening to loud music. She spends way too much time worrying about what other people think about her.
I read an article on mindfulness today. I’d like to be able to do that. I’d like to live in this moment, and only this moment. I’d like to not worry about who I was in the past, or who I will be in the future. I’d like to look in the mirror and see me, just me, not a ghost of a person who isn’t me at all. If only that ghost wasn’t so much more attractive than me. I should have given her some flaws when I made her up. Warts, maybe, or some horrible scars. It’s hard, comparing yourself to your own Mary Sue. It’s no wonder people hate that bitch.
Anyway. I’m still not giving up on my piercing. Maybe I should. I have allergies, they’re not going away, maybe I should just accept that and move on. That ghost in the mirror, though, she’s still looking at me, and a tiny part of my brain still thinks that maybe, just maybe, she’s within reach. Is that healthy? I don’t know. But wanting to be her is part of who I am.
photo credit
April 30th, 2009 in
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I’m alone in the House o’ Cats this weekend. My roommate is out of town, so it’s just me and the furry trio … one of whom complained about the lack of food in their bowl by puking on my new pink Converse sneakers. Great. Thanks, guys.
The past week wasn’t good. I’m still battling depression, and family news left me incredibly sad and angry on behalf of my father. It culminated with a bad review at work, one that brought home all the ways my life has gone out of control in the last few months. But, on the positive side, I took a couple of steps towards a better outlook on life, so I really just need to weather the end of the crap. I hope, anyway.
I made myself get up and go to the gym this morning. Depression packed on a few of the pounds I was so proud of losing several years ago, and it’s past time to get rid of them again. I’m motivating myself to exercise by participating in the Couch to 5K program. It’s a mythical 5K right now, as I have no concrete plans to run any races, but I’m hoping to maybe find one this fall. If I stick with the program. I think I might. It feels like NaNoWriMo felt last year, like I have to prove to myself that I’m not a quitter. Anyway, I’m only on week 2, but I’m doing well so far!
After the gym, I watched an episode of Criminal Minds – I’m just starting to get into that show, so I’m working my way through season 1. Then, it was time to make cookies! Oatmeal with cinnamon and peanut butter chips, at a suggestion from Leigh. They’re delicious, if I do say so myself. I need to stop eating them, or I’ll undo all the good I did at the gym this morning.
Happiness is: dancing around the kitchen to the All-American Rejects, singing into the spoon like I’m actually half my current age. It’s having a home to dance in, a home, not a house, not a space to put my stuff, but a place that’s mine in all the ways that count.
Happiness is: making cookies for a party, at which I’ll spend my Saturday night with a dozen or so friends. Or, not friends, but family. Family in all the ways that count. I effectively lost a good portion of my blood family this week – good riddance to them, really – and sometimes, I worry about ending up alone. But, when I need it most, I’m reminded that the family you build is just as important as the one you’re born with. In some cases, more important. I’ve been blessed with a lot of family that have nothing to do with blood. So, tonight I’ll go spend time with some of them – we’ll laugh, we’ll eat, we’ll play a game called cornhole that isn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds, more’s the pity.
These are the things that will eventually kill my depression, more than anything. I just need to remember that.
Eleven years ago, almost to the day, I took the biggest leap of my life. I packed everything I owned into a Uhaul truck and drove 700-ish miles, from St. Louis to Minneapolis. I had no job and no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I knew two people in the whole state, three if you counted my roommate’s mother. Everything I had ever known was in St. Louis … and that scared me more than taking the leap. Home, for me, was stagnant. I wasn’t growing, wasn’t learning anything new. I had to jump off a cliff in order to find my wings. I closed my eyes, stepped off the edge, and eventually soared.
It’s a lot easier to leap when you’re 21 than it is when you’re 32. I’ve had a lot more time to settle into my life, and a lot more time to come up with a million excuses about why I’m better off in the position I am. Except, at this point, I’m not better off. I’ve been miserable for months now. I feel itchy, like I’ve been waiting for something to happen. There’s no physical move in my future; this is all in the mind. I’ve been stuck in the same mental place for too long. Perhaps it’s time to pack all my thoughts into the figurative Uhaul and head into the uncharted territories. There are places I want to be!
I want to take myself seriously as a writer.
I want to take better care of my body.
I want to do more, dream … not less, I never want to dream less, but I want to live less inside my own head and more in the here and now.
I don’t know why this blog has become so symbolic of my rut. I’ve been meaning to put it up for ages, but I keep getting bogged down in details. Find a good theme, customize it properly, what links do I want, what themes do I want to write about, is it even worth it to put up another home on the internet? But, it means something to me – this domain is mine and mine alone. There’s no easy network of friends here to support and distract me, no shiny toys to play with, no excuses. It’s just me and the posting screen. So why not start writing this for me, and me alone? Maybe the goal isn’t to write something that inspires or entertains other people. Maybe the goal is simply to write whatever it is I need to write to push myself farther. Maybe the goal is to take a tiny step away from all the social networking that feels like a hiding place right now, to create something that feels more like me than my other places on the internet have felt in a while. Or … more like the me I want to be. I’ve been the worst of me for a good long while now. There’s value in trying to be the best of me. Maybe it’s not the true me right now, but I need to have faith that it will be.
So, here we go. This is the leap. Here’s hoping I soar.
photo credit
April 14th, 2009 in
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